Jenny is my long-time best friend.. So, when she needed a space to put this into the world, my space was obviously immediately available to be her space. ilyttmab, Jen.
I’ve put myself in quite an emotional dilemma in regards to how I would approach this day. Should I stay home and sulk and be sad? (Obviously not.) Should I try to convince myself that it’s just another day? (It’s not.) How do I live a day over again that changed my life forever?
I have been so busy with work and I have been able to keep my mind so preoccupied to try to avoid the inevitable. Now things have slowed down and here I am, sitting and staring this emotional day in the face. Sick to my stomach is an understatement.
The last year has been the most intense, gut wrenching, heart breaking, and downright saddest year of my life. But it has also been the most exciting, new, fun, and downright happiest year of my life. I guess you could say it’s been quite the roller coaster.
The stages of grief are real.. But I believe that they different for every person. In the beginning, it was a tidal wave of sadness and pain. Then there was anger and regret. Then more sadness. I have never tried to negotiate with God, but I have found myself, on many occasions, describing the things that I would give up for even just one more day, one more hug, one more I love you. Just one more time to be called “Jenny girl”. And more sadness. This sadness that leaves me feeling empty. Like nothing I have ever experienced before, and something I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy.
I have this hole in my heart, in my soul; a hole that seems to be never ending. No matter what I put into it, hoping to fill it, it’s still there, gaping open. So how does one live with such a hole? I guess you just do.
People always tell me how “strong” I am. But it’s not me that’s strong. I find strength in the memories, and when they seem fleeting, I find it in those around me. I find strength In my husband, who coordinated with friends to make sure things were taken care of and who held my hand as we sat through her funeral. I find strength in those friends he called, who showed up at 6 A.M. to just sit and be there with me as the day unfolded. I find it in my son, who is the absolute light of my life. In all of those people who love me so much and put their own lives on hold to try and help in any way to get mine back on track. I find my strength in God. A God who has blessed me with so much, and in so many ways. Who has taken care of me in ways that even I didn’t know I needed taking care of.
So, I bring myself back to the question. How do I live this day again? I remind myself that it’s a new day.
“Look back and grieve and cry and miss her, THEN pick yourself up and live another day. That’s all you can do. And then you will do it another day and another day. We should always miss the ones that meant the most. “
I miss my mom more than anything in this world. It seems like I miss her more today than I did one year ago. There are still days that I don’t know how I will make it through. Days when all I want is a hug from her. Days when I accidentally call her.. But most days I find my strengths and cling to them. I look at my son and I understand the love she had for me and it starts to fill that hole, even just a little.
So, today, I am going to walk Memorial Park, for the first time alone since losing her. Then I’m going to go home and surround myself with love. And watch the Texans and watch the Astros in a World Series game. And tomorrow I will get up and cry and grieve and miss her. Then I’ll get up again and live another day, because that’s what she taught me to do and it’s what she did..